One Thought At A Time

Hey you, start living.

I need to shut up and just appreciate life as it is.

I think I have been ungrateful. It’s the boredom of having so much and living so little. I am a regular consumer. I consume air, food and energy. The air is fresh in my city, the water is clean and the food is tasty but there are always things that get on my nerves and beg to be bitched about.

Seriously, I can’t remember what I bitch about usually, I just feel like a blackhole is in my being that keeps sucking the joy out of everything when I am in this funk. I am an Asian from a developing Third World country with a huge population that still thinks women are second (or third) class citizens and gays don’t have the right to happiness. I don’t believe in seeing a therapy because it’s for the rich anglo-saxons. I don’t think there is a cure for this darkness in my soul.

I am wrong. there could be a cure, but I am too miserable and sad to see it most time. I am unable to see the others that are around me. Sometimes I am blind even to my family members, even though we are living in the same house and sharing meals together. I feel this anger towards myself as I write this. Damn, I am a selfish bastard.

Life is good. I think as long as I can blog about my misery, life isn’t that bad. It is a luxury to be able to blog about sadness on a device. It means I am not that dirt poor, I am not starving and I have time to spread my misery.

Okay. Shut up now. Seriously, start living.

2 months ago view comments

0125

He thought he was a loser. Nearing late 30s, he had nothing much to show. Was he supposed to show: A house? A fancy car? A job with good income and balance of work and play time? Lots of toys to litter his home? Or was it someone that he has to be? These questions made him feel worse. How was he ever going to know success when he was so clueless?

His parents watched their child react to life so negatively and wondered why he was so anal about everything. Between being supportive and offering advice, they really wanted to tell him to just chill the fuck out and give himself a little more time to get to his goal. But he was too in love with his anxiety to look at things with better judgement and rationale. In turn, his parents would have to learn patience themselves and wait for their child to get over his angst and grow out of it.

4 months ago 1 note view comments

0125

A single guy, a single girl, and a married… mom… gal… met for coffee. They talked about the past, they lamented about the present, they shared tips on how to keep their bodies from further falling apart. The feeling about the future was… uncertainty. They figured they would just work on to pay the bills and if there was time to kill, then they would fill them up with tv watching, video games and some socializing. The married gal paid for the coffees. The two singles waited outside as their friend were paying the bill. While they were waiting, the two looked around for familiar landmarks like the old book store they used to hang out in to start a conversation. The friend joined their reminiscing when she came out of the shop, and as they talked, they felt old. To forget about the inevitable aging process, they planned to fill that night with some bad karaoke singing.

4 months ago 6 notes view comments

My dad was making some comments about the two brothers that hung themselves in their home. According to the news was that they had borrowed money from the loan sharks to pay for their recently deceased mom’s funeral. It seemed that they weren’t able to pay back the sharks, and the pressures they got from the sharks forced them to off themselves. It was at the dinner table my dad commented that was a stupid decision that they had made, then he looked at me to get my approval to his opinion. I kept quiet. It wasn’t hard for me to get why they would kill themselves. Life is hard and sometimes cruel to us. Even without the loss of either parent or poverty I have thought of putting myself out of the misery. I don’t think suicide should be an option but I get why some would consider it. Life is just fucking overwhelming sometimes. It sometimes appears to be sweet and kind and in an instance turns into this devouring beast, won’t rest until every single bone of mine is crushed. To the two brothers, rest in peace and I hope you are at a better place.

8 months ago 2 notes view comments

1144

I don’t want to wake up another morning dreading the day. I don’t want to forget the feeling of how good it is to have another day ahead, explore new possibilities, taste new food, smile at another person or have another shot at making right past wrong. Come on me, stop beating myself up. Take a breath and be here now. Probably the person that need the biggest smile is the person I am looking at in the mirror. Baby, take a long deep breath and put a smile on that glum face. It is good to be alive, right here, right now.

11 months ago view comments